POOF
by Jambalaya Rootbeer Puff
Summary: Bartimeaus, nachos, court cases, illegal immigrants, Nathaniel: this story has it all!
1. I Plead the 5th, no, the 28th, no the 16

**POOF**

Bartimeaus, nachos, court cases, illegal immigrants, Nathaniel: this story has it all!

**DISCLAIMER****- I do not own the Bartimeaus Trilogy, but whether or not I am currently housing any illegal immigrants remains to be seen. I also do not own the 5****th****, 1 ½, 28****th****, or the 16****th**** amendment. Our teacher did not consent to this story or her role in it. **

Chapter 1: I Plead the 5th, no, the 28th, no the 16th, no, it's the 1 ½!

"What am I doing here?" Nathaniel thought. "Who are these people? Am I dead? Whoa, that judge is hot!" But then, he remembered… FLASHBACK!

"You're under arrest punk!" said the fat, mustachioed, officer eating a jelly-filled doughnut. "You're illegal immigrant days are over!" You see, Nathaniel was on an "All Expense Paid" (yeah right) vacation to Mexico. Now, Nathaniel, being Nathaniel had left his passport in the Hyper-Active Jumping Bean Hotel, somewhere near Acapulco. Nice one, idiot. Suddenly, Nathaniel was being pushed into a police car with Bartimeaus, who he had dragged along. "No! My nachos!" Nathaniel screeched.

"Uh! I can't believe you dragged me along on this so called "vacation"."

"Come on, Barty, it was your idea!"

"Barty? You've got to be kidding me! It was your stupidity (see Nathaniel's Stupidity) that got us into this mess!" Bartimeaus scowled. END FLASHBACK!

"Oh yeah!" Nathaniel said aloud. Then, all of a sudden, music filled the court room. It can't be, it is, SMILE! The judges/authors were dancing badly along to the music.

"Oh, sorry! We didn't know. We thought the case started at 10 o'clock!" said one of the judges.

"It _**is**_ 10 o'clock!" said Bartimeaus.

"Well, come on," said the other. "You interrupted our funky time! That's what you get for being rude."

"Where are my nachos?" screams another judge.

Note that Nathaniel has nacho mouth. "What are you doing with my nachos?" said the judge, now furious and red-faced which happens when she gets angry. She lunges over the judges' podium and strangles Nathaniel. He is gasping for breath in vain.

"Calm down Debbie!" says the other author/judge.

"Shut up Lorenzo, or I'll strangle you next!" was the horrifyingly angry response.

"Okay, that's enough," says the last, nameless judge.

"NEVER!" yells Debbie.

"Yeah, stay out of this, tubby!" He pulls out a mysterious stick, and both are silenced and are thrown back into their seats with a flash of red light.

"Now, why am I here? I plead the 1 ½!" said Nathaniel.

"Come on Nathaniel, everyone knows it's the 28th!" said Judge Debbie.

"Debbie," Lorenzo said, "it's the 16th amendment!"

"You're both wrong!" said Bartimeaus. "It's defiantly the 5th! Are you sure you guys went to law school?"

"What's law school?" Debbie inquired. "Can you define that Mister?"

Bartimeaus said, "That explains a lot."

"_**I'm**_ the only one who can use sarcasm in this courtroom, thank you very much!"

Then, the judges' crazed history teacher bursts through the windows with an axe in her hand. "IT'S THE 5TH YOU IDIOTS! I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M HEARING THIS FROM MY TWO BEST STUDENTS! (Note the part where she said "best students" think, if we're her best students, everyone else must be… I don't even want to think about the others) AND TO THINK, A DJINNI HAS BETTER KNOWLEDGE OF U.S. HISTORY THEN MY OWN STUDENTS!"

"Well, duh. He's a djinni. He's supposed to be smart, even though he doesn't seem it" (Bartimeaus: Hey!)

"Still, Debbie, there is no 28th amendment. And Nathaniel, there's no 1 ½ amendment. Lorenzo, the 16th amendment is Income Tax. What does that have to do with courts?" said the teacher (who will remain unnamed for her own safety).

"Can we get on with this case?" said Bartimeaus.

"Fine, Mr. Touchy." said Lorenzo. "I hereby call this case of the State against Nathaniel and his djinni Bartimeaus to order!"

**BAD CLIFFHANGER!**

Hello everyone, just a note from the authors. If case you haven't noticed, I am writing this with my friend. And just for the record, Lorenzo and Debbie are fake names.(in case you didn't already guess) Jambalaya rules. **REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	2. I Pledge Allegiance to North America

Chapter 2: I Pledge Allegiance to North America

**DISCLAIMER: We do not own the pledge of allegiance, Bartimeaus trilogy, any tie-dye crazy hippies, piñatas, or the Viva Piñata commercial.**

The jury proceeded to walk into the courtroom and face the flag that, somehow, got tie-dyed by a group of angry hippies. "And now," said Judge Debbie. "We will say the pledge of allegiance." And so the group proceeded, lead by the authors/judges, who said, "I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of North America (The United States, Canada, and Mexico) and to the republic/monarchy, for which it stands, 3 nations, under God and the Mexican gods, invisible, with liberty, justice, syrup, and burritos for all."

"You guys are more idiotic than Nathaniel. And that's saying something," Bartimeaus said.

Debbie rebutted, "At least I'm not a jerk. coughs/Bartimeaus/coughs Sorry."

"Anyway," Lorenzo said. "Nathaniel, you are being charged with coming into the U.S. illegally without a passport. How do you plead?"

"Chocolate!"

"No Nathaniel," said Bartimeaus. "It means are you guilty or innocent?"

"Chicken?" His case was hopeless. Debbie produced a medieval flail from nowhere and swings it dangerously close to Nathaniel.

"ANSWER OR DIE!" she screams.

"Uh, guilty, no innocent, uh I don't know!" Lorenzo loses her temper as well and likewise produces a chainsaw, brandishing it violently, saying,

"ANSWER PUNK!"

(WE JUST ATE JAMBALAYA FOR THE FIRST TIME 6:07 PM ON APRIL 28, 2007!!!!!!!!!!! AFTERWARDS, WE SMASHED WHIPPED CREAM ON OUR FACES! WE MARK THIS AS THE BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!sorry about that)

"I, Nathaniel, do plead that I am…" and then, the hippies attacked! They came from all sides, waving their banners saying, "Save the trees, they need our love too! Save them, or die. But peace dudes. Don't kill anyone or die. Seriously. Stop eating animals. They are our brethren." Then the hippies threw martinis into the crowd, which made them screech from alcohol and glass getting in their eyes. Debbie, meanwhile, was laughing her head off on the floor and totally spazing. So Lorenzo decided to join in. Then the other judge tried to gain control again, so he took out his mysterious "stick" but could not fight the power of the hippies and hyper-active teen judges spazing on the floor. The hippies said, "That's not cool man." Then Debbie screamed,

"Who asked you?" Meanwhile, through all this commotion, Bartimeaus was gawking at all the psychopathic morons in his midst. The biggest one, Nathaniel somehow acquired a piñata made of cheese but when he hit it, it said, "I am a magical piñata. And if you let me down I can grant you all of your wishes: a pet cobra, sunscreen, how about karate lessons?"

"Actually," Nathaniel said, "I wanted nachos."

"Oh, well I can give you that too," said the piñata. So Nathaniel lets the piñata down and…

**CLIFFHANGER**


	3. Witnesses or are they?

Chapter 3: Witnesses- or are they?

**DISCLAIMER: We do not own the Bartimeaus trilogy, Star Wars, trademark light sabers, Monty Python, the truth, today, tomorrow, McDonald's, The Night Santa went Crazy, Charlie the Unicorn, or the Fruity Cheerios Happiness Song.**

_So Nathaniel lets the piñata down and…_

it says, "That was acting children!"

"I'm not a child, I'm a young adult for your information!" Sure he is. The piñata starts running away when Debbie and Lorenzo pop up with light sabers.

"The Force be with you," says Lorenzo. The two lunge at the piñata and slash him open, eating all the candy they can stuff into their faces. Suddenly, everything goes quiet as the doors burst open to reveal: a giant bubble blowing papaya! The papaya yells, "Where are the witnesses? Get on with it! (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)"

"Geeze," Debbie says, "You don't have to be so rude! Just go back to Jamaica and blow up a gas station or something (inside joke)." Then the papaya runs out of the court room crying, "You don't have to be so mean!" in an extremely high, falsetto voice. His interruption got everyone back on track in a weird sort of way. So Debbie and Lorenzo took their chainsaws and flails and waved them around saying, "SILENCE IN THE COURTROOM!" even though there was already silence.

"Now," said Lorenzo. "Where is your witness Nathaniel?"

Nathaniel says in a dramatic voice, "I call Kitty Jones, my one true love to the stand!" Kitty comes in and whacks Nathaniel on the head with a random cane. Debbie attempts to swear her in.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth which is truth which is not a lie, but a truth, which is the whole truth and it's the truth that is truthful which is true and not a lie."

"Could you repeat that?" asked a disturbed Kitty. Debbie opens her mouth to continue, but the whole court shouts, "NO!"

"Well, do you?"

"Whatever, yeah," Kitty said.

"Okay," said Debbie. "Where were you on the day of today of today that was tomorrow?"

"Uh, here?" said Kitty.

"WRONG!" said Vicki. "Oh, wait, is that right?" Lorenzo decided to take over from there.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Lorenzo holds up 2 thumbs and 3 fingers up, trying to trick Kitty.

"3," Kitty answers confidently. Bartimeaus interjects that it is 5, but quickly retracts the objection. Debbie shouts for silence and declares that "thumbs aren't fingers you stupid djinni. Now who's the smart one?" Lorenzo then trips over some randomly placed guacamole, knocking Debbie out of her seat and into a randomly placed ball pit from McDonald's. Then Debbie and Lorenzo get into a big cat fight with lots of spazing in which Nathaniel says,

"Ladies, ladies. No need to fight over me." The two judges glare at him and bond over using their magical author powers to tape him to the ceiling with silly string. The next witness is Faquarl.

"What am I doing here?" was his opening statement. "Bartimeaus, I bet you did this. I was enjoying a nice vacation in the Other Place when I get a summons to court by 2 hyperactive stupid human teenagers? I hope I'm dreaming."

"We're not stupid!" Debbie yelled and threw her flail at Faquarl. "That's 500 years of community service for you. Guards, take him away! Next witness!" Lorenzo says,

"The next witness is Jessica What's-her-face! Jessica, what do you think of Nathaniel? Should he be pardoned?"

"Of course not. He's a jerk and I disowned him! And I don't even know what he's guilty for. Burn! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy being an anorexic."

"Whatever," said Lorenzo. "Get out of our sight. You disgust us." She left. "Our next witness is Charlie the Unicorn." He enters with a disgruntled look on his face.

"OMG! Can you take me to candy mountain?" Debbie asks excitedly.

"No!" he says in an agitated voice.

"So, Charlie, if that is your real name. Where were you when all this happened?"aiolfdjhql;wkrt4opuopiqutturi6tq05topiewtrpouetujrwkljti '(sorry, we got a major sugar spasm) Suddenly, the authors/judges start burping uncontrollable and jumping up and down on people's heads and throwing around torches ignited by their burps, and singing loudly to the Night Santa Went Crazy, and doing the can-can.

"I guess I'm done here," says Charlie who gallops away.

"COURT DISMISSED! Until tomorrow!" said Debbie while eating a lollipop. "Dun-dun-DUUUUHN! Mwahhhaaahhhwahhmwahhhhahahaha!" and she started to gag. She fell onto the floor, writhing and coughing, until Lorenzo gave her the Heimlich maneuver.

**REVIEW please because reviews make us happy and: ♪ Happiness runs in a circular motion, happiness runs happiness runs, happiness runs, happiness runs! ♪**


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